The inevitable is an abstract and jarring concept. Knowing that something is bound to happen, though not knowing when, and knowing that once it comes it will then become a memory…is a wild thought.
I know labor and delivery is coming. It’s the only way I’m going to get to meet my girls, but I have to say, the thought of it has been both terrifying and empowering at the same time. Coming to terms with this has been an emotional and faith building journey in of itself.
Maybe it’s the sheer fact of knowing the unknown is approaching. Or maybe it’s the fact that with twins things can get complicated. But either way, it’s an unsettling feeling at times.
Labor and delivery didn’t really hit me hit me until we did our hospital tour. When the nurse brought us into that large room with a beige hospital bed and said “This is where you’ll be laboring”, something inside of me freaked out. This…this could be the actual room that I labor in. This is where it’s going to go down, well the laboring part anyway. For delivery, I will have to push in an operating room, since anything can happen with twins and the doctors need access to c-section tools. I’ve gotta admit that I’m not thrilled about pushing in a brightly lit, cold, sterile and unwelcoming room. It wasn’t envisioned in my “birth plan”.
After leaving the tour I felt anxious and fearful. Thoughts like “How is this all going to happen?” ” When is this all going to happen?” “What do I do when all this starts happening?” consumed my mind. Needless to say, the hubs and I signed up for child birthing classes the next day.
Taking the child birthing classes was actually pretty informative and helpful. When we were done with the weekend intensive course, I felt like I was leaving with some tools in my belt and had some techniques to help me navigate through this inevitable unknown.
In actuality, I left with a distant thought of “Maybe I can do this.”
As I’ve done more research, and come to terms with the soon coming reality, that far away thought has seemed less impossible and more of an actuality. My perspective is slowly starting to change from “How in the world am I going to do this?” to “Let’s do this. It’s going to be a challenge, but God’s going to help me.”
As the days go by, I’m starting to look at D-day (delivery day) as another leap of faith God will guide me through. I’ve traveled the world with a tent on my back. I’ve lived overseas by myself serving women and girls in the red-light district. I’ve layed on a tiger. I’ve walked the Great Wall of China. I’ve rode an elephant near cliffs. I’ve auditioned for industry professionals. I’ve done so many things that required huge amounts of faith ( and some letting go of rhyme and reason), and God got me through it all. Some experiences were amazing. Some were heart breaking. Some were a combination of both. But still… here I am, on the memory side of them, looking back at God’s faithfulness.
This next great feat will probably be the most rewarding yet. And though I still am not gung-ho about labor and delivery, I know that “pain gives birth to the promise ahead” (courtesy of Switchfoot). My thoughts and perspective are beginning to shift from flight to fight.
I have support. I have prayers. I have some techniques. I have visuals to read and look at. I see other mamas around me who are testaments to making it through to the other side. And most importantly, I have God to carry me through.
My hubby reminds me that this is how God intended new life to be brought into the world, so I am equipped to do it.
The inevitable. It is certain and coming sooner than later and rather than running from it, I’m coming to the part of the journey where I’m going to embrace it. Because truly He “is with me, even til the end of time.”
This has been my journey. Everyone’s is different. What was/is your labor and delivery journey like? Looking forward to writing about the memory.
Do you have any fears about labor and delivery? Is there anything that you’re looking forward to?
Twin mama out,